Throughout Sunderland’s 4-1 home defeat to world beaters Bolton Wanderers, many eyes darted in the direction of Roy Keane, wondering what this great man would do next. Many expected a tantrum to proceed from his technical box, or perhaps a fist fight to commence with his opposite number, Gary Megson. However, none of this took place (well, not in reality anyway) and we had to wait until Keane’s post match interview for an insight into his emotions.
Keane put the defeat down to his ‘innocent’ players favouring to play beautiful football, rather than it being their inability to not gift the ball straight to the opposition which caused their demise. When the attention turned towards the ongoing saga surrounding his future at the club, Keane offered a mystifying response. “I ask myself every day if I’m the right man for Sunderland,” he mumbled through the grey and black bush currently occupying the lower half of his face, evoking images of the Irishman gazing into a mirror asking this personal question, almost Snow White-esque.
“I asked myself this morning, and I said I was. Sunday morning, if the answer’s no, we’ll have to look at it,” Keane continued, baffling the very same journalists who used to be scared to interview him after his regular assaults on fellow footballers.
Keane was not content with revealing the answers to his question for that weekend, and went on to reveal his plans for the rest of the week. “I might wake up on Monday morning and think I’m the right man. On Tuesday it might be different,” he said before changing the subject, leaving the press thoroughly disappointed that they remain unclear about what will happen on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
Regardless of what does happen, it is clear Keane is a changed man. One wouldn’t be surprised to see him take Trigger out for a long walk any day soon.
Gary Neville offended the Sunderland staff and fans alike when he described their tactics in last week’s match against Manchester United as ‘appalling’.
United had to wait until the 91st minute of the game to score the opening and deciding goal. Neville was not involved in the game, due to Sir Alex Ferguson’s preference to play Rafael Da Silva instead of him. Neville was unsurprisingly acrid about this, and unloaded his anguish on Sunderland.
‘Although you don’t expect teams to come to Old Trafford and roll over, you do expect them to come out and play football, and they got what they deserved, I felt’ said sixty-four year old Neville, again showing that his memory may be becoming affected because of his mature age.
Neville has clearly forgotten that Manchester United often play very defensively when participating in games . Their negativity, which was demonstrated at Liverpool and Chelsea this season, as well as when they played Barcelona in the previous campaign, was much more shocking. Manchester United claim to be the biggest side in the world yet do not enjoy playing against other big clubs, despite their team being filled with world-class stars, top Premiership professionals and John O’Shea. Taking this into account, it is surely understandable for Sunderland to shut up shop at ‘The Theatre of Dreams’ considering they are deep in a relegation battle, their manager had left two days previously and they had numerous injuries to first-team players.
Perhaps Neville should look a bit closer to home before he criticises other teams in the future. His lack of first-team appearances appear to be making Neville somewhat bitter, a taste that does not go well with the fabulous prawn sandwiches served at Old Trafford.
The former world superstar, Ronaldo, controversially joined Brazilian club Corinthians last week, a move which infuriated the supporters of bitter rivals Flamengo, who threatened to burn pictures of their former hero.
Ronaldo had been training with the Rio de Janeiro side and claims to be an avid supporter of the Rubro-Negro’s, as Flamengo are affectionately known.
When he was back to fitness within a matter of weeks (one can only assume that no doctors or medical professionals were involved in this assessment), he instead decided to divert to Corinthians.
‘The Corinthians team appeared like a light at the end of the tunnel, believing in the whole of me’ said Ronaldo, suggesting that a lot of belief had to be deployed to cover the near 20 stone monster. ‘It will be difficult at the beginning, but this is my big chance to be back on top.’ Ronaldo wisely avoided saying ‘I am hungry for success’, a statement which caused great amusement amongst the press at the scene when the striker had issued it previously in his career.
When questioned about his decision to sign for Corinthians instead of boyhood club Flamengo, Ronaldo revealed that he had not actually received a contract offer from the latter. ‘The truth is, I still have to pay for my bread every day’ Ronaldo claimed, puzzling the journalists present who believed that his purchases were much more frequent.
But why did Ronaldo decide to join Corinthians, of all teams? ‘Well it’s obvious isn’t it? The restaurants in Sao Paulo are out of this world’, conceded one Flamengo fan.
Man City’s under-pressure manager Mark Hughes is increasing his efforts to wow his wealthy Arab bosses, with the signing of Wayne Bridge and the intention to bring Stephen Warnock, Craig Bellamy and Dean Windass to Eastlands.
“These are top quality players we are talking about,” Hughes claimed, looking nervously over his shoulder. “It’s players like these that we need in order to do well in this division and get where we want to be.” It looks like owner Mansour bin Zayed Al Nahyan can forget challenging for a top-four finish and Champions League qualification, and instead look forward to finishing above Newcastle and Bolton.
Hughes’ interest in these players, instead of ‘dream’ targets Kaka, David Villa and Sergio Aguero, seems to be doing him few favours thus far. With City struggling just two points above the relegation zone, his days are numbered, especially after a less than glowing endorsement from Khaldoon Al Mubarak.
“Mark Hughes is probably the right man for the job here. I am not going to say what that job is, but he is quite possibly right for it,” said The Citizens’ chairman.
Star forward Robinho also appears disgruntled. “When I was told that I would be playing in Manchester, I was looking forward to teaming up with Cristiano Ronaldo, not Richard Dunne. I have been nagging the manager to sign some of my Brazilian team-mates, but he seems intent on signing rubbish that can’t even get into the England team!”
Wise words from the striker. Perhaps Hughes will wise up and give the owners what they want if he wants to stay in Manchester. Hold on, what’s this? Twelve million for Scott Parker? Maybe not…
Rafael Benitez is seeking to find a hitman to dispose of managerial rival Sir Alex Ferguson, The Tart has learned. Benitez has become increasingly annoyed at Ferguson’s attitude towards the rest of the human race, and appears more than happy to divert Liverpool’s resources away from the title chase in order to get rid of him.
“The guy is a total bastard,” Benitez exclaimed, in his usual calm and controlled manner. “I have had just about enough of his bullying and I’m sure others are too. Someone has got to put a stop to this, and if that someone is me, so be it.”
It has long been believed that Benitez has links with Spanish hitman David Villa, and if David Gill’s FA-authorised wiretaps are to be believed, the two men have been in regular telephone contact in the past few weeks. Villa has supported this claim, admitting: “This is a busy time of year for me, but yes, I have heard from Rafael and we are currently locked into negotiations.”
Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard has publicly backed his gaffer, albeit in that really dull scripted way that players seem to these days. “Rafa’s the manager here, and he has everyone in the dressing room behind him on this one. Whatever he feels is best for the club, we’ll support him.”
Vice-captain Jamie Carragher’s scheduled interview had to be cancelled, however, due to there being no translator present.
Harry Redknapp has placed Jermain Defoe on the transfer list after becoming livid at the ease with which Sol Campbell dominated him in Tottenham’s 1-1 draw with Portsmouth on Sunday.
‘Jermain’s performance was unacceptable, and I am therefore willing to listen to any offers for him. You know me’, ‘Arry announced, provoking much groaning and head-shaking among the journalists present, who well knew what was coming, ‘I like to wheel and deal.’
For those who have been living in Gaza for the past few years, ‘wheeling and dealing’ is an expression referring to the practice of buying lots of unnecessary players for no apparent reason – a philosophy which both Redknapp and Tottenham share.
‘We’ve still got a little bit missing here,’ Redknapp continued. ‘Anyone who’s not up for a scrap will be shown the door.’ Redknapp assumed that this statement would send shivers down the spines of his players, but it instead did the opposite, making many of them excitedly call their agents and ask about the possibility of leaving the White Hart Lane outfit.
On top of Darren Bent’s possible switch to Villa, Hossam Ghaly’s feasible move to Birmingham and Jermaine Jenas’ rumoured transfer to Internazionale (I’m really not making this up), many other players may hold Redknapp to these words, in an attempt to flee the struggling club.
An injured, gaffe-prone goalkeeper, Heurelho Gomes, for 5 million? An ageing, ponderous defensive midfielder, Didier Zokora, for 6 million? Captain and centre-back Ledley King on a free transfer? I think I can hear Arsene Wenger salivating already.
ITV have today issued a grovelling apology to viewers, after thousands missed Everton’s extra-time winner in their FA Cup tie with city rivals Liverpool last night.
With two minutes to go, the action was interrupted by advertisements, inviting us to ponder whether Asda or Tesco is better value for money whilst being persuaded to book a holiday in Ireland and compare meerkats online. This act of idiocy guaranteed that those watching missed teenager Dan Gosling’s dramatic goal, and were only able to enjoy his celebration.
‘It was an absolute disgrace,’ David Moyes bellowed at an, erm, Sky Sports reporter. ‘I’ve never been a fan of ITV’s sport coverage anyway; their FA Cup highlights are bollocks,’ the Scotsman continued, attempting to show that he can also best Rafa when it comes to rants. He did concede, though, that he ‘does like The Bill’.
Michael Grade, the executive chairman of ITV, claimed to be as disappointed as anyone. ‘Yes, I was really getting into the match,’ he told us, somewhat unconvincingly. ‘I’m actually a huge fan of Everton United and I was so gutted to miss the young fellow kicking the ball into the net,’ he went on, adding that Everton were well placed to secure a ‘European Shield’ spot next season.
The FA were also rumoured to be unhappy at someone else muscling in on their campaign to ruin the competition. Their leading spokesman and long-serving employee, Sir Alex Ferguson, sent ITV a threatening, though mostly unreadable (and certainly unprintable) letter, demanding that the situation be quickly resolved. Well, it works on the referees…
After dismissing Big Phil (who, just for the record, is 5ft 11in – he’s not exactly Peter Crouch) on Monday, Chelsea wasted no time in appointing Guus Hiddink as their manager until the end of the season. Many have already doubted Hiddink’s ability to combine his current role as manager (or head coach, as they seemed to be called now for some reason) of Russia with his new managerial role in West London.
“First of all, I’m only here because of the owner,” Hiddink began, instantly endearing himself to the Chelsea faithful. “I love him to pieces, and if this was any other team I would have said no straight away.”
Hiddink watched from the stands alongside Roman Abramovich as Chelsea struggled past Watford. While Chelsea’s owner was getting terribly excited at any sign of motion on the pitch, Hiddink remained unmoved throughout (much like the Villa defence, who form Chelsea’s next opponents, against Everton in fact).
Apparently, this is a sign that he is a marvellous tactician, while Sven-Goran Eriksson, who is renowned for adopting the same approach, is a clueless buffoon who couldn’t manage a piss-up in a brewery.
But can Hiddink really combine the two jobs and do well in both? After standing on a training pitch for a few hours five mornings a week and spending ninety minutes sitting in the dugout on a Saturday afternoon, ignoring the whingeings of Didier Drogba, will Hiddink really have time to pick Russia’s squad of players for games against the mighty Azerbaijan and the frankly unstoppable Liechtenstein?
As Abramovich headed back to his pedalo (it’s not a lie about the credit crunch affecting him), he must have felt extremely confident that Hiddink can be a success with Chelsea, while continuing to excel with Russia. He has finally got the man he always wanted – although that was also the title given to Scolari, and he wasn’t even given time to unpack his bags. A defeat at Villa Park on Saturday could be costly. How costly, you ask? Well, you can expect the Di Matteo and Zola banners to be adorning the Bridge in time for the Juventus game…
Donna Powell inaugurated a new chapter in history this week after becoming the first female to have managed a senior football team. The twenty-seven year old was given the opportunity to take charge of Fisher Athletic against Eastleigh, after raising £500 for the struggling South London club.
Despite losing the game 2-1, Powell told the press that she very much enjoyed the experience. “It was wonderful,” Powell gushed, wearing a black and white Fisher Athletic pinny, while wiping chairman Martin Eede’s awfully shabby suit. “I enjoyed every moment of it and would gladly do it again,” she continued, unfazed by chants like ‘You should’ve stayed in the kitchen’ and ‘We want Scolari’.
Powell, who manages a local boys team, was delighted to have been given this rare opportunity. “I know there’s a huge difference between boys football and the Blue Square South,” Powell claimed, ignoring the obvious disagreement of the smirking journalists (okay, journalist).
Mike Newell continued his personal vendetta against women in football by slaughtering Fisher’s decision to allow this ‘scandal’ to take place. Since a female linesman (should they not just call them lineswomen?) failed to award his Luton Town side a penalty, Newell has been on the warpath. “It’s an absolute disgrace,” Newell began, as his wife brought him tea and biscuits.
“Women do not belong in football. They belong at home. If my wife ever considered taking up football, or ever had any involvement in it, I’d go bloody mental,” he fumed, before calling for the sugar.
Despite the defeat, Powell impressed nearly everyone at the game. With two coaching badges under her belt, it would not be surprising if she was given a high-profile coaching job (she’s already too experienced to take on the Portsmouth job though). Forget Steve Bruce, Martin O’Neill, Jose Mourinho; I wonder what the odds are on Donna Powell taking over when Fergie finally hangs up his chewing gum.
Sir Alex Ferguson has today banned Sky Sports from Old Trafford and from having any contact with Manchester United football club in general, citing their ‘clear favouritism towards everyone else in the world’ as his reason. Fergie, who also does not speak to the BBC, Real Madrid, or Arsene Wenger, was disgusted at a reporter who claimed that, in Sunday’s Carling Cup Final, ‘Tottenham played well and were unlucky to go away empty-handed.’
“I think it’s an absolute disgrace. I don’t want to sound like an angry madman,” said Fergie, before going on to give a startlingly good impression of one, “but it’s clear that everyone’s against us.”
“It is inhumane to make such scandalous comments about my amazing team,” the Scotsman continued, furiously gnawing away at his ubiquitous gum and turning the same shade of red that his players sport on the pitch.
The Red Devils were held for 120 minutes, and eventually emerged victorious on penalties. Tottenham’s attacking intent throughout the match was widely recognised and commended, although The Great One clearly didn’t agree.
“I’m fed up with teams that realise who they are playing and just park the bus in front of the goal. They might as well try and take us on and then lose because of the referee, that’s just as ridiculous.”
Ferguson’s decision to ignore pretty much everyone (except ITV, those bastions of reliable sporting coverage) means that Mike Phelan will be a regular fixture on TV, giving his (okay, Fergie’s) thoughts on the game. This should greatly please the British public, who will now be able to see his dire interviews from a wide variety of viewpoints. Suddenly, the ‘analysis’ of Robbie Earle, Andy Townsend and Matt Smith seems almost worth listening to.
Ashley Cole could face the boot from Chelsea this summer, after Guus Hiddink revealed he was less than impressed with Cole’s latest disgraceful antics.
The former Arsenal left back was arrested this week after raging drunkenly to police officers about the paps, and then received a stern talking to from the reserved Dutchman, which, according to assistant manager Ray Wilkins, was more like ‘wet flannel’ than hairdryer. Cole, who earns a paltry £82,000 a week, nevertheless continues to plead his innocence.
Having been pictured with a young blonde girl in a West London nightclub, Cole insisted that they were merely engaging in ‘intelligent conversation’, a form of communication previously thought to be beyond 98% of footballers.
Cole, who was perhaps discussing the wretched health of economies across the globe, or possible ways in which US President Barack Obama can improve relations between the US and Iran, has since been forced to make another official apology, which was posted on the Chelsea website. He has now had to apologise more often than he has scored (goals) since moving to the Stamford Bridge club.
‘I would like to say sorry to everyone,’ Cole’s statement read. ‘I have let down my family, my wife Kimberley Walsh, the gaffer, Mr Abramovich and all of the Chelsea fans. As everyone knows, I’m normally such a good guy and this was totally out of character. I can assure everybody that this probably will not happen again for a good couple of months.’
In other news, Gavin Henson was reportedly ‘annoyed’ that Cole had started using his excuses, and vowed to outdo him in the coming week. Praise be for Gavin Henson; he’s keeping us in business during these difficult times.
The Tart is considering suing West Ham United to receive some just compensation after ex-Hammers’ striker Carlos Tevez was ruled to have played an integral part in keeping West Ham in the Premiership in 2007 while under illegal third party ownership. Because let’s face it, it was hardly Alan Curbishley’s man-management skills that kept them up, was it?
We have worked out that we could have made lots of money if Sheffield United had rightfully stayed in the Premiership, with West Ham’s points deduction having relegated them. We would prefer not to reveal how we have arrived at this conclusion, as we do not wish to jeopardise our case. That is, it’s nonsense from beginning to end.
With everyone from Ken Bates to Sheffield United’s tea lady planning to sue the London club, Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore refuses to accept responsibility for the chaos that continues to surround West Ham. “I don’t think it’s necessarily a problem,” Scudamore claimed, when asked whether he thinks the whole footballing world will be ruined by everyone demanding money from each other.
“It’s actually quite fun when you think about it. I mean, as long as I’m not losing money, everything’s all right, isn’t it?” Scudamore asked the puzzled journalists present, before becoming locked in thought, rubbing his chin and staring at the ceiling.
“In fact, we could add the suing factor into the league format. If you successfully sue someone, you could receive an extra couple of points in the league. And maybe, if the game’s a draw, we could have a suing match to see who gets the points. I don’t like draws,” he explained, bluntly.
While all this is still going on, spare a thought for Luton Town. They were deducted 30 points by the Football League, have less money than Zimbabwe and look set to be relegated from League Two. And they have Mick Harford as manager, a man who has won only eleven games in his managerial career. If anyone needs Tevez it’s them.
Harry Redknapp has challenged Fabio Capello to a boxing match, as tensions between the Tottenham boss and the England manager reached an all-time high.
‘Arry is less than impressed that Capello decided to select one-legged centre-back Ledley King for the upcoming England internationals against Slovakia and Ukraine. King, whose persistent knee injury does not allow him to train between matches, was forced to withdraw from the squad after medical examination confirmed his absolute limit of 90 minutes per seven days.
“It’s a bleedin’ disgrace,” bleated ‘Arry, “I can’t see why he’s done it. It’s only Slovakia and Ukraine for goodness sake. Even if we beat ‘em and go on to qualify, we’ll only be going to the quarter-finals so why does it matter? Ledley’s crap at penalties anyway.”
Redknapp has apparently contacted Spurs fan and FA chairman Lord Treisman to try and organise the fight. “I’d really love to knock some sense into ‘im,” ‘Arry admitted, going redder by the minute and continuing to forget his consonants. When asked whether he would be teaching his ‘pretty boy’ Tottenham players how to scrap, Redknapp insisted that Tottenham had to wait: he is solely focused on Capello.
Despite no titles being up for grabs, the idea of the brawl is exciting people up and down the country. The Football Association’s chief executive, Ian Watmore, has revealed the plans thus far.
“We’re hoping to stage the fight at Wembley in the coming weeks. We have a very busy schedule, with the National Gardening Championships, Boules 2009 and a Leon Jackson concert all taking place soon, but we’re delighted to announce that we have now moved the FA Cup semi-finals to the Wednesday and Thursday night.”
If the gossip is to be believed, a special guest referee could be appointed. The FA have compiled a shortlist, so expect the third or fourth name to get the job.
Ade Akinbiyi has emerged as the latest superstar to continue his footballing career in the United States. The former Nigeria international (he won one cap) is set to join Major League Soccer side Houston Dynamo, following in the footsteps of other well-known migrants Darren Huckerby and Danny Dichio.
The thirty-four year old, who has fallen out of favour at Championship outfit Burnley, is currently ‘finalising the finer points of the contract’, whatever that means.
“I am a winner,” insisted the striker, who has been labelled ‘Akinbadbuy’ by football fans up and down the country. When making this statement, Akinbiyi failed to take his awards and honours into consideration; if he had, he’d have realised the only things he’s won are The Sun’s League’s Worst Striker award, and regular appearances on top football DVDs such as 101 Footy Gaffes and Footballer? You’re having a laugh aren’t you?
Success has generally been hard to come by for Akinbiyi, whose spells at Leicester City, Crystal Palace and Norwich City did him no favours. When asked how he intends to avoid being a failure this time, he offered an enlightening response.
“People may not think I’m up to it, but I’d like to tell them that I still have a couple of good years left in me.” Whether ‘good’ is judged in Akinbiyi’s relative terms, or by everyone else’s normal standards, remains to be seen.
And if it doesn’t work out for him in America? “I’ve still got many contacts across Europe who would be willing to take a punt.” Some punt that would be. Still, there is a perfectly good OAPs club in Milan. A loan move for Akinbiyi wouldn’t do too much harm, would it?
